This Wednesday I presented my graduation portfolio, which was a replacement as the graduation thesis. It means that I finished my master’s program. I just can’t believe it.
This year I have grown so much, even my personality has been changed. Last August I left my home country, China, and landed in the United States starting my new life. I used to be upset about almost everything, my family, my life, my major, my peers, my teachers, and myself. If I could put a lable on myself, that would be ’loser’. I did everything without any accompany when undergraduate because I didn’t have close friendship with anyone, and I closed myself. I cried almost everyday for a long time and lost emotions after. Medicine was my life extender. I guess my parents were a little bit worried about me at that time, but I’m not quite sure because they always thought I was bad-tempered and it’s normal for me to be upset. At the end of the junior year, I burst into tears in my dad’s car and begged my parents to send me abroad. Living in that environment was PAINFUL for me. Yes, I use the word, painful. I can still remember how I fell apart that day. My heart was aching, my breath was difficult, and my words were broken. All these years of torture, helplessness, and misunderstanding exploded at that moment.
I still don’t know how I survived this year, truly. I didn’t know where was the exit for me at the beginning, the only thing I was quite sure was that I wanted to stay here. With this belief in mind, I only had two options, either PhD or working. I did both at the same time for the first few months other than my school work. I had an internship that I didn’t enjoy so much, but I did it for almost half a year because the company sponsors working visa if I work full-time. I participated in 3-4 research projects at the same time because I needed a more fleshed CV to compete for a PhD program. Classroom, library, and my apartment were almost the only three places that I would appear.
School work is not easy for me either. I spent my whole life in China without knowing anything about the outside world. I came here with zero background of research. Even though my English was ok in China, here in the U.S., it was far away from enough. I had no idea what was academic terms, how to cite properly, or if every group member should be involved in a presentation. I struggled with my essay assignments for a long time, and put a lot of effort into polishing it. I felt so lucky and thankful to have Dr. Stephen Pape as my advisor this year, genuinely. He provided me with so many constructive feddbacks, supporting me to be prepared for academia. I will never forget that he said he had confidence in me being a star in acadmia. This Wednesday when I presented my portfolio, I couldn’t help think of the first presentation I had in this program. It was a nightmare. I stammered a little and other group members didn’t even have the opportunity to present. Today I can stand in front of people and present myself confidently and fluently, the credits should be given to everyone who has supported me along the way.
I met lots of people in this year. Some become my close friends, some surprised me in a bad way. Through collabrating with peers in class, I figured out what I expect from group work. You have to admit that not everyone shares the same standards as you, and it will not be comfortable for both sides if you work together. Teamwork is a compulsory course for everyone, that’s why it’s good to find out as early as possible what kind of role you’re suited to play in a team. By the way, I love friends that I met here, and I say it from the bottom of my heart.
Honestly, I don’t know how to close this post. I feel that I still have thousands of words to say, but silence is better. It’s hard to believe that one year can change a person so much, but it it true. The U.S. is not perfect, but it gives me a place to express, perform, and grow. I feel being respected and encouraged here. It’s the very first time that I realize my thoughts and words matter. I will help other people as I have been so fortunate to be supported.
Thanks to Dr. Pape, Ms. G, Rachael, Ms. & Dr. Cooney, Dr. Jiarong Liang, and everyone who supported me all the time. It’s your love and encouragement make me the person I am today.